uck. So sometimes I feel invincible, on top of the world. I’ve got my life going according to a new plan and all is well in adelesville.
Then something happens, sometimes a big disruption like the lodger. Sometimes something miniscule, a random comment, someone calling and asking for Mrs Harrison, just nothing much. Then I fracture again. At times I’ve had several days go by where I haven’t felt like a part of me is just waiting to shatter again, I think before the whole lodger thing I even managed a week of just feeling whole, good, happy.
Now i’m back to sunshine and rain alternate minutes. I feel sick with anxiety driving home until I see the car isn’t there, I crack at the littlest things. I am much more fragile than I thought.
No surprise I guess that every night I can’t wait to get back to class. Can’t think about anything else when i’m there, focus or get hurt. The gym too. The girl who hated exercise now finds sanctuary in it.
I hate this. I know divorce is a long process, I know I have to deal with the break up fully, I know I am not going to be all fixed over night, but I hate the slipping back to the same kind of crazy I had at uni, I hate feeling like I can break at any moment and I hate that the only time I feel safe and calm and sane is basically when i’m getting hit in the face. I don’t mind the actual getting hit in the face, it’s part of the process.
I was just getting to the point where my home felt safe and calm, i’ve lost that again. I need to rebuild it and I have to either do it with some one (though not the current someone) else in the house, or in a new place. I was sleeping better, now the anxiety dreams are plauging me when I eventually doze off. I was feeling almost like it might be fun to date, to go out with friends and start being social, now I feel as though i’m best kept away from people as much as possible.
I have an extra appointment with the wizard thursday. I Heart, brain and courage all wonky, not sure where home is. Will wear red shoes just in case.