lions and tigers and bears.

uck. So sometimes I feel invincible, on top of the world. I’ve got my life going according to a new plan and all is well in adelesville.

Then something happens, sometimes a big disruption like the lodger. Sometimes something miniscule, a random comment, someone calling and asking for Mrs Harrison, just nothing much. Then I fracture again. At times I’ve had several days go by where I haven’t felt like a part of me is just waiting to shatter again, I think before the whole lodger thing I even managed a week of just feeling whole, good, happy.

Now i’m back to sunshine and rain alternate minutes. I feel sick with anxiety driving home until I see the car isn’t there, I crack at the littlest things. I am much more fragile than I thought.

No surprise I guess that every night I can’t wait to get back to class. Can’t think about anything else when i’m there, focus or get hurt. The gym too. The girl who hated exercise now finds sanctuary in it.

I hate this. I know divorce is a long process, I know I have to deal with the break up fully, I know I am not going to be all fixed over night, but I hate the slipping back to the same kind of crazy I had at uni, I hate feeling like I can break at any moment and I hate that the only time I feel safe and calm and sane is basically when i’m getting hit in the face. I don’t mind the actual getting hit in the face, it’s part of the process.

I was just getting to the point where my home felt safe and calm, i’ve lost that again. I need to rebuild it and I have to either do it with some one (though not the current someone) else in the house, or in a new place. I was sleeping better, now the anxiety dreams are plauging me when I eventually doze off. I was feeling almost like it might be fun to date, to go out with friends and start being social, now I feel as though i’m best kept away from people as much as possible.

I have an extra appointment with the wizard thursday. I Heart, brain and courage all wonky, not sure where home is. Will wear red shoes just in case.


About Aunty Fox

'Fox Spirit is the crazy young aunt who dances in the rain and conjures fantastic worlds out of cardboard boxes, loo rolls and sellotape'
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4 Responses to lions and tigers and bears.

  1. Marguerite says:

    Getting hit in the face is a type of pain you accept, it’s something you’re in control of because there are rules about it. It’s neater, cleaner, and more finite than the nebulous, lingering emotional pain that comes from the end of a long term relationship. I don’t doubt you prefer it – it’s like the choice between a root canal that will hurt and then be done, or years of lingering dull ache.

    And there’s absolutely, positively nothing wrong with being happy and ready to explore and push one moment, and insecure and wanting to hole up the next. Your’e being honest with yoruself, you’re not living your life according to someone else’s expectations. It’s a process, it takes time, and it’s rarely even keeled.

    Even better? You KNOW you’re this way and you can do what you need to do to account for it. The lodger was an experiment. Results are in, time to adjust circumstances accordingly. Some nights you want to go out and dance and flirt and date? Then do it – with a friend who knows what to look for when that’s no longer the case, and will be the one who helps you get back home.

    And red shoes ALL the WAY. πŸ™‚

  2. mrwriteon says:

    I can only say that you will get through it, Adele, and I think in your heart of hearts you know that, too. You’re tough at all sorts of levels both real and metaphorical and that comes through in your writings. Having been through the divorce process (twice), it is a Mother F with a capital ‘Fuck’, but we transpire if we are survivors and life truly does get better and it also gets different, and that’s good, too. You’ll never be the same person you were before, but that’s a good thing. Now, from this side of the Atlantic an-across-the-miles-and-ether hug. You are a fascinating and terribly intelligent lady with a devastating wit, too. You’ll have a good life.

  3. Adele says:

    And in the mean time… i’m popping out to go get hit in the face. πŸ˜‰

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