You wouldn’t like me when i’m angry!

So this am was the emergency therapy session. The good news is although I clearly over reacted to the lodger situation, i’m not completely flipped.

I am not fine. This is a hard thing for me. I am always fine… albeit through tears and gritted teeth but dammit i’m fine. So ok, I am not fine. It’s out there now, can’t take it back. I’m not supposed to be fine apparently. I may have grieved for the relationship but there is a whole load of other stuff I haven’t done. I’ve never really acknowledged my anger. Last year when Mark was ill and then as we finally started to see the collapse of our marriage, this year processing the divorce and dealing with the practical issues I have never really allowed myself to be angry. It’s either been impossible, can’t be angry with Mark for being ill or he will never get well, or unproductive, he’s gone, what’s the point? So it all got beaten, squished, trussed up and flung into a deep dark pit and forgotten about. Till the lodger made me go ‘pop’.

I am hulking out basically. All the kickboxing in the world isn’t going to fix my hurt, anger and resentment, although the KB in itself is a good thing (it’s bad when your therapist says ‘it’s probably just as well for the people you come into contact with you are training so hard’ right?). So I have to let it happen. I have to give myself the chance to rest sometimes, to cry and scream and throw stuff and to deal. It’s messy and unpredictable and frustrating and to me it seems like i’ve been dealing with all this for ages and I should be fine by now. Apparently not, so there we have it. I’m not ok. I will be, and i’ll cope in the meantime because, well, I always do, but ok is a lie right now.

He’s right though. Now that I have had the blow up, I can feel the anger, constantly simmering below the surface, a tight knot of tension and fury that I don’t know how to untangle.


About Aunty Fox

'Fox Spirit is the crazy young aunt who dances in the rain and conjures fantastic worlds out of cardboard boxes, loo rolls and sellotape'
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7 Responses to You wouldn’t like me when i’m angry!

  1. Marguerite says:

    And when – not if, when – you figure out how to get all that anger out of your system can you teach me how?

    Anger is something I don’t deal well with. I don’t get angry. Like you, I’m always “fine”. But then there’s that fantastic line of Donna’s from “Forest of the Dead”, about “I’m fine” being Time Lord code for “I’m really not okay”. That hit close to home.

    We have to get angry, to BE angry, but just long enough to let it have it’s moment in the sun and then burn itself out. It’s hard, and scary, but once we figure it out I think it’ll have been worth the singed fingers. Hang in there, you’re doing GREAT!

  2. Caroline says:

    The bit about “I should be fine by now” rings that many bells, it’s deafening. Though my situation is not similar to yours, I recognise the climbing out of the black hole to slip back again. Your acceptance of yourself, where you are, is kind of inspiring, so thank you for sharing that. It reminds me that sometimes just writing “I am really angry at [person] for being an arsehole,” actually helps, kind of a step 2 if step 1 is realising I’m angry. No idea what step 3 is. Yet.

  3. Adele says:

    hey hun. Thanks for that. I still can’t accept that it’s ok not to be fine all the time. Grrr. ;p

  4. Adele says:

    Caroline, when you figure out step 3, pop back and tell us would you?

  5. Marguerite says:

    Step Three: Profit!!!

  6. Adele says:

    from Angry? Expand. ;p

  7. I have a fab book on Anger by Thích Nhất Hạnh ( it is brill, I’ve lent it out but you are welcome to borrow when/if I get it back!

    I am angry all the time too.. 😦

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