Who’s got a match?

So my therapist says I need to address my anger, my Dad says I need to handle stress better, my mum says, you know what, she knows how it feels to be going through it and think, can I not just have a few days where nothing actually goes wrong, the cats are inscrutable so who knows what they think and honestly I don’t know what to think anymore.

I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep properly because I keep expecting the sky to fall and frankly there have been plenty of warning signs. I don’t know how to deal with my anger because where do I put it now, what do I do with it, how do I let it go? And no all in all I am not dealing that well with stress. Well except that all through the last year and a bit i’ve not taken time off work except for a couple of days where I physically couldn’t get up. I’ve dragged my ass out of bed, worked out, done the day job, kept the home running, got my husband back to work, then separated from him, handled the divorce, and so on. Should I really be expecting myself to deal with more without cracking a bit?

I have had and continue to have amazing support, emotionally, financially, you all know who you are and I can never appreciate you all enough.

But I expect to be better. I think because I manage a week without tears that i’m ok, then it’s a shock to me that i’m not. I’m an idiot. This thing takes time, to heal, to be ok, to handle bumps with calm and rationality instead of tears and screaming. I’m still your tears and screaming girl right now. I hate that.

This isn’t really going anywhere, i’m just rambling. I know that my divorce is going so smoothly compared to many, that I am incredibly lucky to have the amicable relationship I do with my ex and to be getting so much support but still….

What I really want right now is to curl up in a ball and cry and sleep and wait for it all to go away before I come back out. What I will do is go kickboxing this evening. Go to work tomorrow. Go white water rafting on easter sunday. Go to bed at a sensible time and try to sleep.

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About Aunty Fox

'Fox Spirit is the crazy young aunt who dances in the rain and conjures fantastic worlds out of cardboard boxes, loo rolls and sellotape'
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6 Responses to Who’s got a match?

  1. Andrew Reid says:

    Take the pieces and build them skywards/
    Take the pieces and build them skywards/
    Take the pieces and build them up to the sky.

  2. Adele says:

    *hugs* gotta love the Biffy.

  3. Rocketstar says:

    That’s surprising as I’d assume hitting those bags as much as you do woudl be an AWESOMOE stress reliever, way to vent fristration.

    Hang in there.

  4. Adele says:

    Not just bags, I get to hit people, and it helps with control, but I guess the thing is it isn’t actually dealing with it. Don’t know.

  5. It’s really OK to not be OK sometimes babe! No one will think less of you (regardless of what the crazy voice says)!
    xxx

  6. Marguerite says:

    Here’s a trick someone taught me. Lock the door, set a timer for an hour, and grab a pillow. For that hour your job, your entire existence is being Not. Okay. Sob. Wail. Scream into the pillow. Throw, kick, punch the pillow. Just be Not. Okay. For an hour.

    Then when the alarm goes off, you’re done for now. Get some water, take a shower, take a nap, bake, whatever you need to do to reset.

    Chances are the first time you use the whole hour. But the second, you won’t. And it’ll keep get shorter as you get better and better at letting yourself be Not Okay.

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