So my therapist says I need to address my anger, my Dad says I need to handle stress better, my mum says, you know what, she knows how it feels to be going through it and think, can I not just have a few days where nothing actually goes wrong, the cats are inscrutable so who knows what they think and honestly I don’t know what to think anymore.
I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep properly because I keep expecting the sky to fall and frankly there have been plenty of warning signs. I don’t know how to deal with my anger because where do I put it now, what do I do with it, how do I let it go? And no all in all I am not dealing that well with stress. Well except that all through the last year and a bit i’ve not taken time off work except for a couple of days where I physically couldn’t get up. I’ve dragged my ass out of bed, worked out, done the day job, kept the home running, got my husband back to work, then separated from him, handled the divorce, and so on. Should I really be expecting myself to deal with more without cracking a bit?
I have had and continue to have amazing support, emotionally, financially, you all know who you are and I can never appreciate you all enough.
But I expect to be better. I think because I manage a week without tears that i’m ok, then it’s a shock to me that i’m not. I’m an idiot. This thing takes time, to heal, to be ok, to handle bumps with calm and rationality instead of tears and screaming. I’m still your tears and screaming girl right now. I hate that.
This isn’t really going anywhere, i’m just rambling. I know that my divorce is going so smoothly compared to many, that I am incredibly lucky to have the amicable relationship I do with my ex and to be getting so much support but still….
What I really want right now is to curl up in a ball and cry and sleep and wait for it all to go away before I come back out. What I will do is go kickboxing this evening. Go to work tomorrow. Go white water rafting on easter sunday. Go to bed at a sensible time and try to sleep.