All Change!

This is one of those occasions where I couldn’t post when I wrote this and by the time it goes up i’m feeling loads better. Went to see ‘Priest’ with my usual non date, Paul the Goth and veggie curry followed by action and vampires was just what I needed, but still, here it is, brought to you by this morning’s melancholy.

——————————-

I get knocked down, when I’m learning to ride.
(Friday. 9am)

It’s good to know what you can rely on.
The sun will rise.
Politicians will lie.
There are conspiracy theorists for everything.
People are fallible and foolish, faulty, if you will.
Standing in the rain will get you wet.
Courts will lose the paperwork.
Getting kicked in the teeth hurts.
Stovetop coffee is a million times better than instant.
Baking soothes.
A book will take you away for a while, but you always have to come back.
The cats will occupy more room than their size should permit.
And I’d rather be training/sparring.

I love my house. I’m just getting both it and garden the in hand at last, yet I am constantly plagued by the desire to sell and buy somewhere smaller. It’s a nesting thing. I don’t mind being crowded by too much stuff, I just want to feel secure and with things as they are (I can’t afford the house alone and I am facing possible redundancy) the idea of a base I can afford, a place I can curl up in, knowing no one will take it away, that appeals. Certainty… calm amidst the chaos, order and control.

I go home at night and except from kickboxing, which is with other people but not entirely social, I shut out the world. I communicate through my laptop where I have control, where I can choose who I interact with, when and how much. I don’t like phone calls unless they are pre arranged or from my parents.

At kickboxing my mind is peaceful, I feel calm and still and content. I’ve said this much before. I feel complete and healed trading blows, in a way I simply can’t hold onto the rest of the time.

Yesterday’s very deep hypnosis has left me reflective and melancholy. Today is a day where I wish I had 8 hours of envelopes to stuff. Leave me be with my thoughts and simple physical tasks, I cannot engage with you right now. I am flaunting the office ban on headphones because if I let the world flood in today I will walk out before 4pm.

These blues never last long, but right now I feel so raw, fragile, I would gladly burrow into the earth and wait it out in the dark. Instead I shall stick out the day at work, then go to see Priest at the movies with a good friend. Then tomorrow it’s brave face on and best foot forward for a big family party. All will be well and in a couple of days I shall be invincible again.

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About Aunty Fox

'Fox Spirit is the crazy young aunt who dances in the rain and conjures fantastic worlds out of cardboard boxes, loo rolls and sellotape'
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