Putting the pieces together after the divorce was a hell of a process. It has taken so long and it’s been so hard and I don’t know if i’m strong enough to do it again. I don’t know if I can take being broken again, if all the kings horses and all the kings men will be enough next time.
I spend so much time demonstrating how tough and hard I am, that I can survive and that i’m invincible.
I don’t believe in happy ever after any more, I don’t believe in anything much, except keeping going, proving every day that I can take it. It’s so much harder when I can’t train, I have no way of proving to myself that i’m strong. I quickly begin to doubt it when I can’t go and fight.
Today I feel fragile, vulnerable in a way i’m not comfortable with. Not comfortable is an understatement, I hate it, give me a broken nose over this any day. I am not at peace with things I can’t control.
Here is a little procul harum, the plangent sound fits my mood.