All the kings horses…

So what am I afraid of? Apart from spiders? Apart from heights? I’m afraid that I can only be put back together so many times… that if I keep getting broken I will run out of energy to even try.

Putting the pieces together after the divorce was a hell of a process. It has taken so long and it’s been so hard and I don’t know if i’m strong enough to do it again. I don’t know if I can take being broken again, if all the kings horses and all the kings men will be enough next time.

I spend so much time demonstrating how tough and hard I am, that I can survive and that i’m invincible.

I don’t believe in happy ever after any more, I don’t believe in anything much, except keeping going, proving every day that I can take it. It’s so much harder when I can’t train, I have no way of proving to myself that i’m strong. I quickly begin to doubt it when I can’t go and fight.

Today I feel fragile, vulnerable in a way i’m not comfortable with. Not comfortable is an understatement, I hate it, give me a broken nose over this any day. I am not at peace with things I can’t control.

Here is a little procul harum, the plangent sound fits my mood.


About Aunty Fox

'Fox Spirit is the crazy young aunt who dances in the rain and conjures fantastic worlds out of cardboard boxes, loo rolls and sellotape'
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5 Responses to All the kings horses…

  1. Alasdair says:

    It stops. It ends. Promise, hon. *hugs*

  2. katelaity says:

    Listen to Alasdair. Listen to your friends. Lean on others whenever you need to. You don’t have to be ‘strong’ all the time. What you need is to be resilient. And you already are. More than you know.

  3. Adele says:

    I love you guys. You know that right?

  4. Vince says:

    You never broke. Things got tough and it took a lot of work to get through it, and maybe they’re tough again, but that’s circumstance. That’s not you. A train is a train, whether it’s travelling on a fine summer day, or ploughing through snow – it’s just slower going in the snow:

  5. Adele says:

    are you calling me a train? Harsh dude. 😉
    Thanks V. love you too.

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