I’ve had a strange few weeks.
I’ve been talking to an old friend who is getting a new perspective on everything, including the bond we’ve always had and why it’s been strained at times in the last seventeen years and why it will never entirely break.
I’ve been so stressed and anxious I had to tell my boss how close I was to just going off sick and inevitably walking away from it all. I hate giving up, throwing in the towel, it’s weak and even the wizard has commented on my pathological issues with weak.
My ex has been in touch at last about the house stuff. Dealing with someone you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with is always going to be odd, but as there are no kids we have very little contact and i’m never quite ready for it.
People who are relatively new in my life have probably seen the worst of me over Nov/Dec, the drunk, the stress bitch, the emotional wreck. I am now struggling with whether these things are weaknesses I should eradicate or part of who I am and something I need to learn to live with.
I’m questioning things again. My Dad told me I need to learn tolerance and compassion. I know I can be harsh and flippant but I never thought I lacked compassion. I actually hate seeing people hurt or upset and it makes me nauseous to think I caused it, even when I don’t like them. Either way do I really want more? Part of me wishes that in all the rebuilding i’ve done, in all the time i’ve spent working through my shit at kickboxing, in therapy, with the love and support of friends and family, that i’d become harder and more insulated against things. I haven’t. I am too easily wounded still and I hate that.
Maybe that’s just part of who I am too.