Come this November it will be three years since M and I separated (i’d been sleeping in the spare room for some time by that point). It’s nearly two years since the divorce came through and a few months now since we finally sorted the last legal issue and were able to breathe out the huge sigh of relief and delete phone numbers.
So i’ve been through it, you all came with me, the zombie numb phases, the barely held together times, the on top of the world moments, the physical collapses, terrifying as they were, and the slow putting back together of a life. And what a life.
I started kickboxing, I started a publishing company, I got my shit together and it keeps getting better. This year I started thinking I was over it. I’ve been promised I’m funny rather than bitter sounding when I mention it which is great, I would hate to be bitter. I’ve been starting to feel like everything was going to be ok now.
I’d lost site of what I learned from my Mum. Divorce damages you in ways you don’t even notice till it’s tested.
Things that a few years ago I would have taken in my stride and just trusted now make me want to pull back from people and brace for impact. I am waiting to be let down. It’s going to take some serious proving me wrong before it passes I think, which is unfair on all of you who have never given me any cause to doubt, because I do anyway. Of course among the things I used to take in my stride where various sorts of abusive relationship, neglect, functional alcoholism and all sorts of other fairly shitty stuff, so it’s not an entirely bad thing.
Anyway, the point, and there was one, is that I was supposed to be ok. I thought I was, it seemed that way. I certainly told everyone it was fine, rock solid, ready to take on the world. Truth is, it doesn’t take much to bring back the fragile breakable feeling, the urge to hide under a duvet with ice cream and never come out, the desire to shut down and never have to deal with hope or anything like it.
How long will it take before I stop looking for the trip wires and landmines in everything people do and say?