When I first started therapy I told the Wizard I am exceptionally skilled at self sabotage. we were focussing on my weight at the time, but it’s true every where. Something’s going well? We will see about that!
In my most recent session he told me I’m always testing. I tried to defend my position but on reflection I suspect he has a point. He pointed out that I have been very badly hurt and that my take on things now tends towards ‘I will drive you off before you have a chance to leave’. This can be applied generally, not just to close relationships. I definitely have destructive tendencies across the board. You only have to look at how I push the boundaries with my boss. You may all consider yourself warned.
I am, lets face it, the girl who runs around with a sledgehammer attacking walls and when the house falls down says ‘I told you it wasn’t sound.’
We’ve never really tackled why I do it. I wonder if on some level I have decided I will die alone and be eaten by cats and NOTHING is going to derail that.
I am undoubtedly broken in some places. Divorce does that. It’s harder to trust in anything now. It’s harder to let go and just let things happen. I want to just stop things rather than let them play out. Which is how iIve dealt with most things recently, didn’t do as expected straight off, not bothering again then. I am, no question, still a bit fractured. The question I don’t have the answer to is am I actually irreparably damaged or did I get my hands on a sledgehammer? Secondary question I suppose is if I do have a sledgehammer, how the hell do we get me to put the fucker down?
And no, none of you need to worry about me, I am ok, I’m just working through it. But I do love all of you that have the urge to check in just a little bit more now. xx