Today is the three year anniversary of my ex husband moving out. We were together nearly six years, married less than two. I sometimes think it shouldn’t still affect me, but just sometimes it does. My parents are here and I think Dad was trying to work out why I was so emotional and ratty; honestly so was I. I bucked up because I needed to. Still, it has fallen into place since he asked the date. Of course my recent break up didn’t help. Once again my choice, once again heart breaking. It always is; my heart remains soft and fragile in spite of knowing better.
So I’m silly and flippant on Facebook and it’s honest enough, it’s part of who I am and what I feel. It’s just not all of it. I am tired of how my heart hurts, I am tired of having my equilibrium disturbed. I keep thinking this time is the last time, this time it’s me and the cats and that’s all I need and no one gets in again. This time I will be tougher, spikier, better armoured. I already know it won’t work out that way. I never could do Ice Queen.
I’m glad my parents are here, they aren’t great at tea and sympathy, but they help. I’m glad i’m spending next weekend with people good friends, i’m looking forward to it, I need it. Right now I am still not sure whether I want to punch something till I bleed or curl up under the duvet and cry until I can’t any more. I don’t know how much of it is the time of year, how much of it is recent events or just me.
I know I’ve come a long way and changed a lot in three years. We can rebuild..we have the technology, better, faster, stronger etc. There is more to do, but that’s half the fun. Right now, I am where I am and I’m doing ok I just… sometimes it would be nice if things were easy for a while. But we can all say that can’t we.
For now I just ask myself… What Would Buffy Do? So get up and get on with it right, it’s not like I’ve had to kill my boyfriend to save the world after all.